


I Don't Know What To Do With Grey

by eyesasblackasthevoid



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-09
Updated: 2017-10-09
Packaged: 2019-01-15 02:45:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,783
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12312297
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eyesasblackasthevoid/pseuds/eyesasblackasthevoid
Summary: Dmitri Shepard finds himself a bit preoccupied with something Jacob said to him.





	I Don't Know What To Do With Grey

At the time, Dmitri had bit his tongue, held his breath. In that moment it had been easy to brush off what Jacob said. He had work to do, people to save. He simply focused on the task at hand.

But back on the Normandy he couldn’t ignore it anymore. It clouded his mind like poison, there wasn’t a single avenue of thought he could run down where the words couldn’t reach and subsequently choke him.

“The Normandy will always be your first love.”

Is that what people really thought of him?

He still couldn’t shake the adjective he’d been branded with after Torfan. Admittedly, in the immediate years that followed he hadn’t particularly cared to. His reputation was as a ruthless, victory-at-any-costs soldier who got the job done, plain and simple. He’d been fine with the collateral damage, it was all background noise he could tune out amidst every victory. His life had always been hard-fought and never without loss, sacrificing an innocent life here and there for the greater good hardly seemed like a question to him.

But the lines were blurring now, black and white muddied to gray.

Following the destruction of the collector base and being grounded by the Alliance, he’d had a lot of time for reflection. He found himself standing in front of the mirror, searching for himself in it. Perhaps all the evils he was facing were giving him a new perspective, and he didn’t like who he saw through these eyes. What right did he have to sacrifice people to further his own means when the Reapers and Cerberus were already killing innocents in droves? The sacrifice of others wasn’t his call to make and he’d regretted that it had taken him so long to realize that.

Still, who was Jacob to tell Dmitri who he was?

Had Kaidan heard Jacob say that? Of course he had, he’d been standing right there beside him. Garrus too. There weren’t any two people alive or dead who knew Dmitri better, surely they could tell him that Jacob was full of shit and ease his mind about this.

He found Garrus in his usual spot in the Main Battery, working away at the console.

“Shepard.” He greeted him without looking up, “Need something?”

“Yeah, actually, something’s been bugging me. You got a minute to talk?”

“Sure, give me a sec.” He pressed several buttons and turned to face Dmitri as the screen went black, “Alright what’s bothering you?” 

“Remember after I talked you down from killing Sidonis, there was something you said right before we left. You told me how it was easy to see the world in black in white, but you didn’t know what to do with grey.”

“Yeah,” He said slowly, not particularly fond of reliving that memory, “What about it?”

“Did you ever figure it out? Cos I could use some pointers.”

A short, forced laugh. “I’m afraid not. What’s this really about?”

“Shit, I don’t know, Garrus.” He rubbed his face with both hands, sighing into them, “I keep thinking about the shit I’ve done and the lives its cost. And then there’s what Jacob said back on Gellix.”

“Jacob said a lot. Refresh my memory?”

He crossed his arms over his chest and averted his gaze to the floor, “He told me that the Normandy would always be my first love.”

“Oh that. Yeah, that was harsh.”

Still looking down he said something he didn’t really mean to say aloud. A passing thought that forced itself from his mouth. “Kaidan was standing right there.”

“Kaidan knows you, Shepard. He knows you care about more than your job. Hell, we all know you do. I think the fact that this got so deep under your skin proves that.”

“This is a hell of a time to have an identity crisis isn’t it?”

“Hard to imagine there’s a good time for that.”

“I suppose so. At least it’s poetic. Can’t fight a physical war without an internal one right?…..Thanks, Garrus.”

“..Of course, Shepard, anytime.”

Garrus turned his attention back to what he was working on before and Dmitri left the room trying to convince himself that he truly felt better about this. But he’d never been very persuasive unless it involved a show of force, and he hardly believed threatening himself would prove productive.

He headed in direction of the observation deck to talk to Kaidan, but stopped himself. What was he going to say?

He opted for the elevator instead and went down to the shuttle bay.

Steve greeted him from the console station as he stepped off the lift.

“Hey, Steve,” He replied, “What’re you working on?”

“Just making sure you’re going to get that armor requisition on time. I know your current set is pretty banged up and we need you at your best out there.”

“Yeah...my best.”

“Something wrong, Shepard?”

Dmitri quickly shook his head, “No, I’m fine.”

He didn't look convinced but he let it go, “Did you need something, commander?”

“Is James around?”

Before he could answer James came around the corner from behind Dmitri, “Did I hear my name?”

“Yeah, I was wondering if you felt up to a little sparring.”

“Oh hell yeah. You know it.”

“Great.”

Dmitri shrugged off his jacket and tossed it against one of countless crates crowding the cargo bay. They moved to the middle of the deck where it was clear and took to starting stances. Dmitri felt himself relax as he eased into the motions of each action. Hand to hand was something comfortable and familiar. Something he’d excelled at back during boot camp and again during N7 training. 

Unfortunately, he wasn’t excelling like that today. He allowed himself to get too comfortable, careless even. And in a moment where he found himself lost in thought, the very next moment James’ fist collided with his face, just below his left eye.

“Shit, Commander, I’m sorry.”

“That’s what I get for not fully paying attention.”

“Maybe you should go see the doc, that doesn’t look so good.”

“Yeah, I’m gonna go do that. See you later, James.”

Dmitri heard “Sorry again, Shepard.” as he walked away but didn’t acknowledge it.

The ride back up to the third deck felt much longer than it actually was as his face pulsed with pain.

“Shepard, what happened to you?” Doctor Chakwas asked as he walked into the medbay. She set down the datapad she was looking at and rushed over to him.

“Let’s just say I picked a bad day to spar with James. Not really feeling like myself.”

“Hmm, sit down on the examination table and I’ll get something to clean this up. I’ll find you something for the pain you're surely in as well.”

“Yeah, James has a wicked left hook, or was it the right? It’s a bit fuzzy now.”

She shook her head with a smile as she walked over to him with a cloth, antiseptic spray and bandages.

“Am I allowed to ask what’s got you so preoccupied, Shepard?” She asked, spraying the cloth then pressing it to his wound.

Dmitri barely heard her through the pain and his own thoughts. “I’d really rather not talk about it right now, sorry.”

She shrugged, “Suit yourself, if you change your mind you know where I am.”

When she was done, he went up to his cabin to find Kaidan waiting for him there.

“Hey, Shepard. Garrus told me that I should come check on you. He said you’ve been having a rough day?”

“Yeah, something like that.”

Noticing the shiner James gave him, Kaidan winced, “Well, he didn’t mention that. What happened?”

“I was letting off steam, sparring with James, zoned out for just a moment and he got me. These things happen.”

“Sure, but not usually to someone who’s ranked as one of the Alliance’s best hand-to-hand. Not to you.”

“I’m not invincible, Kaidan.”

“Talk to me, Dmitri,” Kaidan sighed, closing the distance between them. 

“I don’t know what to say.” He didn’t want to, but something in him made him push Kaidan away and cross the room.

Dmitri tugged his shirt up over his head, and tossed it over a chair. Sitting down on the edge of the bed, he rested his head in his hands. The next words he spoke were muffled as Kaidan came to sit beside him.

“Maybe I deserved to be punched in the face.”

“C’mon, I don’t believe that.”

He lifted his head up, “Can you really say you’re okay with everything I’ve done? What about back on Feros? I could’ve saved those colonists but I just bludgeoned through. That’s what I’ve always done. I just…..It feels like I’ve got more than just an accidental punch awaiting me.”

“Is that what this about?”

“You didn't answer me.”

Kaidan rolled his shoulders, sighing as he rubbed the back of his neck, “Well, I can’t say I would’ve done things the same but you’ve got to realize that you’ve done more good than harm.”

“Am I a good person, Kaidan?”

“You’re...a hero, Shepard, and sometimes that involves making hard choices. Good and bad isn’t always clear in those moments and you can’t beat yourself up about them. Especially not now when we’re fighting a real evil.”

“I guess.”

“You guess?”

“You know you’re right, Kaidan, don’t make me say it out loud, it’ll go to your head,” Dmitri let himself smile as he spoke, immediately regretting it as the muscles in his face protested the action, “God, this is the dumbest thing I’ve ever done to myself.”

“Dmitri-”

“No, it is, say it.”

Kaidan laughed, “Alright then. Letting James punch you in the face is the dumbest thing you ever done.”

“Thank you, now I can move past it, onto much dumber things. I’m always seeking to better myself after all.”

“Just don’t change too much, Shepard,” Kaidan said, leaning in to press a gentle, lingering kiss to his lips.

When Dmitri finally pulled back, he sighed. Jacob’s words were still there. Less real than before but they lingered nonetheless. There was some truth to them after all, a truth he wanted to ignore.

“You know that you’re the first person I’ve ever let myself love?”

Kaidan is a bit taken back by the confession, and it shows in his face until he clears his throat, “I don’t know what to say to that.”

“You don’t have to say anything,” He took Kaidan’s hand in his, intertwining their fingers, “I’ve wasted a lot of time, Kaidan. I feel like I’ve been sleeping through my whole life and that I just woke up. So thanks for that, thanks for...waking me up.”


End file.
